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5 ways to recreate the Chemistry in your relationship


Wouldn’t it be great if the newness, excitement, and chemistry that you first felt for you partner never wore off? You know the feeling of butterflies when you’re getting ready for a date or the electricity you felt the first time you kissed. What if I told you it’s possible to get that feeling back in your relationship right now?


Over time we develop familiarity in our relationships, which is a normal result of spending time with someone daily for years. After almost 8 years of being with my husband, I know there are days that you just start to take each other for granted. It’s not intentional; it just kind of happens before you know. Next time you realize that your relationship could use a little recharging, try some of these approaches to get a warm, positive response from your partner:


1.) Brag about your partner to other people in front of her.

This has two purposes: A.) You acknowledge something positive about your partner and let her know that you see this quality or behavior. B.) Publically you are expressing appreciation for you partner and demonstrating that you want others to think well of her, too.


2.) Identify one act of service you can do that will make his day a little easier.

We all live busy lives, rushing about trying to check things off our to-do lists. Taking one thing of your partner’s list communicates that you want to help and you value his well-being. It might be as simple as completing a chore at home that you partner usually does, like taking out the trash or washing dishes. It conveys that you want him to have a few more minutes in the day to relax or for himself.


3.) Give your partner a heartfelt compliment about an internal quality he has.

It’s easy to recognize the physical aspects of our partner that we are attracted to; identifying their internal qualities or values can take more energy and effort. But giving note to these can go a long way. Maybe he’s a really involved dad, a loyal employee, or a generous lover. Tell him—he’ll be glad to know you see what’s important to him and appreciate it.


4.) Comment on something new you noticed about her that you never recognized before.

It’s easy to get in a rut of familiarity when you spend time with someone daily and have to focus on the mundane aspects of life (bills, kids, groceries, etc.). It can bring an element of excitement to try and stay aware of your partner and her preferences. She might have tons of blue shirts, always order the same salad dressing at restaurants, or be a stellar parallel parker. Once you see these details, tell her “I never realized you _____________”. It helps keep the connection fresh and alive in day to day life.


5.) Find time in your day to take an interest in something he is involved in and ask 3 open-ended questions.

There are things in your partner’s life that you know about, but don’t really know know about. It might be a sport they enjoy, a work project, or a good friend of theirs. Whatever it is, ask some open-ended questions (questions that can’t be answered with “yes” or “no”). These questions usually start with “how”,”what”,“ when,” or “who.” I recommend not using “why” questions because they can come off as accusational in some circumstance. By asking questions about his interests you’re expressing a desire to better understand his world and what’s important in it.


In relationships we all want to be seen, heard and valued. When working with couples in couples therapy, there is almost always one partner (if not both) that feels unappreciated, misunderstood, or unimportant. If you use these approaches, your partner will feel valued, and in turn much more likely to want to show the same level of appreciation and interest in you.

1 Comment

  1. If you’re looking to feel more excited and passionate about your partner, you may need to create space in order to cultivate mystery, longing and the thrill of the unknown, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Astroglide’s resident sexologist, tells Bustle. Having your own lives, separate groups of friends, and individual interests will help you have more interesting conversations when you’re together. According to Dr. Jess, time apart can also make your time spent together more meaningful. You’ll plan to be present and cultivate connection as opposed to just being in the same room or running errands together, she says. Spending a healthy amount of time apart can also prevent codependent patterns from developing. If you and your partner are into it, role playing in general can make things more exciting. But something as simple as recreating the first time you met every now and then can help to improve the chemistry in your relationship. According to Rachel Wright, psychotherapist and therapeutic relationship coach, just think back to the first time you met. What attracted you to them? How did they act? How did you feel? Write down all the things that helped to create that initial chemistry for each of you and for one night role play being your old selves, Wright says.

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