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7 Dating mistakes that make you look Desperate

Have you ever wondered why you have great first and second dates, but can’t seem to find a fulfilling long-term relationship with anyone?

Last week I spoke with Vanessa, a single-mother in her early thirties. She has been dating the same guy off and on for over 2 years. Despite the fact that she’s in love with him, he’s not ready to commit.

Vanessa’s confused about why her boyfriend doesn’t want to be exclusive. They have a great time with each other, have many common interests and rarely fight. After getting more information it started to become clear to me why Vanessa is in this predicament: Desperation.

Her behaviors and actions communicate to her boyfriend that she is willing to drop anything and everything immediately to spend time with him, including her parental responsibilities  (Which is probably playing a big role in why he’s not sure about their relationship). It turns out she’s been making several mistakes, since the beginning of their relationship.

Here are a few tips on what not to do during the courtship phase of dating (usually the first couple months), because they can set up bad habits. Avoid these mistakes at all costs:

1.)  Being available all of the time. When you first start dating someone it can be tempting to want to spend all of your time with him/her, persuading you to keep your calendar clear. Having nothing else to do but spend time with that person makes you come off as boring, having no life and few friends. This is not the impression you want to make

2.)  Initiating phone calls or texting all day long. It is important to stay in touch with your new love interest, but don’t go overboard. Calling or texting once or twice a day says “ I’m interested in you.”, calling or texting several times each hour of the day says “ I’m a borderline stalker.”

3.)  Needing to know every detail of his/her day. As relationships grow you learn more and more about the other person; what they like, who they hang out with, where they go regularly. This should be a natural process that develops over time. When you demand to know all of these details up front it can make you appear insecure and controlling.

4.)  Talking about the distant future within the first few weeks of dating. Dating is an opportunity to get to know someone gradually over time. Talking about the long-term future together is something that couples should do once they are exclusive and have some history together. It often scares people away if you start planning the wedding (aloud) on your second or third date.

5.)  Going along with anything and everything. There is tremendous value in being flexible, and tremendous weakness in having no boundaries (aka: not being able to say “no”). People naturally push each other’s boundaries as they become emotionally closer. This is a necessary and critical part of intimate relationships. When you accept everything, (your date showing-up an hour late with no phone call, him/her being too busy to help you out in a genuine emergency, or cancelling plans last minute because there is something else he/she would rather do) regardless of how you feel about it—you come off as needy.

6.)  Giving it all away on the first date. There are few things that will kill emotional bonding and interest faster than getting sexual too soon. True intimacy is developed over time and through a series of interactions where you learn more and more about the other person. This increases your attraction to him/her of them beyond physical appearance. When you have sex right off the bat, it sabotages this process, you’ve already gotten physical and that can muddle your chance of building true intimacy. It can also look like that is all you have to offer- sex. Which is simply not true.

7.)  Including your new partner in family and personal events too soon. If you invite the girl/guy you’ve been dating to a family function too soon, it may scare them away. You may think your family is wonderful and perfect, but that might not be how they appear to your new mate. Having a solid foundation and connection together, before introducing them to the fam can go a long way. And bring your new flame into your family dynamics too quickly might freak him/her out.

These are a few behaviors that may seem harmless in the moment, but can ultimately represent wanting commitment before you really know each other. For the best chance of developing a long term relationship avoid these impulses, at least at first. You can always decide to move things forward in the future, but you can never take them back things from the past.


54 Comments

  1. Good stuff. It took me til I was 60 to figure these things out on my own. Wish sometimes that someone had said these things to me long before that.

    • Me too !!!

    • It took a two-year relationship for me to realize that I was humiliatingly desperate to a point of losing all self-respect. Oh well, I am so glad it was over.

  2. I’m glad I am finding these things out before I got into a relationship

    • hey i ust met someone and i think we have a connection how do i approach her and ask her to hangout without being creepy about it and being shy

      • A woman can sense if you are interested. If she is younger, she won’t want to be so forward as to make the first move. Just be sweet and RESPECTFUL! Ask her out for coffee. Or bring her her fav beverage when you know you will see her. Don’t come on too strong, but put little signs out there, if she is also interested, you will definitely know it!! Best of luck!!

      • A woman can sense if you are interested. If she is younger, she won’t want to be so forward as to make the first move. Just be sweet and RESPECTFUL! Ask her out for coffee. Or bring her her fav beverage when you know you will see her. Don’t come on too strong, but put little signs out there, if she is also interested, you will definitely know it!! Best of luck!!

      • Breanne Lee Fletcher

        Just say would you like to go out sometime

  3. I made such a tragic mistake of revealing my entire
    Sexual history to him whom I rejected 22 years ago. Now I’m trying to get back with him but he is currently involved with someone else, and just want to be friends with me until I at least become as rich and financially independent as his girlfriend who is also a single mom and college graduate like me because he himself has retired from the US Navy
    10 years ago.

    • miss caro

      If you really need help in your relationship contact these email obadantemple@gmail.com and explain everything to her, she we help you

    • If this dude cares, he won’t care if you are poor as a church mouse babe!! I mean really, think about it. Best to you

  4. Yeah i made aterrible mistake of telln him everythng about me and my family…of which he called it a quit yesterday

  5. Linda Davis

    I kind of knew some of these from my friends suggestions.Especially the one about the texting all day.I’m guilty of that.I am disabled and homebound though so I have very little to do during the day.Anybody got any suggestions besides the internet? lol

    • Hi Linda. I’m deaf and resort to texting as well. The key part is too fulfil your life with as many things as you can on your own, which diverts u away from the phone. There may be limits to what you can do , based on your disability , but there are soapy choices .

    • Watch tv, sew, pick your nose, play on FB, just stop. Let him come to you!!!

  6. what if i’ve already committed some of these mistakes,. is it still possible to get my relationship back in shape?

    • No spell is gonna make somebody love you. Besides that, is it real if you have to put a spell on him. I think NOT

  7. I made a giant blunder of texting him about where this is going after 2 weeks. He hasn’t called after a great first date but we texted a but.
    I guess I’m little bit stressed sitting at home all the time and studying. And plus I really like him. Think I can salvage it somehow?

  8. John Wilson

    This was my major mistake in my lst relationship. Its very hard to get out ofthis pit. I pushed freinds away focused only on her I wanted to know her every thought where she was what she was doing. I lost it I am ashamed and in the end I went slightly mad when she deservedly dumped me….

  9. nelip

    I don’t really agree with this advice. Being interested in someone and showing it is a really nice thing. If the person is right for you, they will never think you’re desperate because you want and miss them 24/7, and you express this to them.

    I’ve probably been perceived as a desperate woman by some guys, and I perceived some guys as desperate before, but as I said with the right person you cannot be perceived as “desperate”.

    However, it’s important to give the impression that you have a life besides them, because it can be unattractive if you don’t have your own values, dreams, goals in life.

    I’m someone extremely social and emotionally expressive, and I do like introducing people who I feel instant connection with to my other loved ones, so why not doing the same to a boy I’ve just started dating…If your date doesn’t feel comfortable, they can speak about it.

    • have you ever been married? If not it probably because you didn’t play this dumb game of dating. Yes, I did say “dumb game,” because I do feel what you said was accurate about feeling a connection. Though moving to fast can and more than likely scare them off. I hate the game, but I came to the realization that if you can’t beat them join them. It’s but true when there’re is nothing you can do about it.

      • Andrew Phillips

        Too right mate. I am still (perhaps naively at age 34) of the opinion that ‘the game’ shouldn’t matter. If two human beings like each other then you should want to connect and not be trying to play each and be ‘cool’. Still waiting for that to truly happen for me though….

    • i agree 100%

    • Absolutelty, but you really do NEED a life of your own to remain interesting to someone, right!!!

  10. Nelip, I read your comment and you are desperate. Trust me!

  11. The problem here though is, changing ones perception by faking it, will only last so long. The key is …. GET A LIFE and that’s what stops you from being desperate . I had to break with my 1 year relationship because he was too clingy .

  12. Ryan Plantagenet

    And yet, to get me a girl has to do the opposite of all these… but for 99% of people this will work.

  13. i want to use this medium to share my experience. its a long story but to shorten everything,my husband decided to call it quit because he has seen someone younger that he wants to leave me for. i love him so much and i don’t want to lose him,a friend of mine introduced me a spell caster,she told me he is very effective and reliable. so i decided to give it a try,to my amazement the result was more than i hoped for, my husband doesn’t want divorce anymore, we are very much in love. if you are in a similar situation and needs a way out,contact him via email: nakodako@gmail.com

    • No spell is gonna make somebody love you. Besides that, is it real if you have to put a spell on him. I think NOT

      • Alma vasquez

        The love spell may reduce anxiety and get the women focus off the failing relationship, and change the dynamic of the relationship.

        To get the woman not to start a pity party, or try to get validation from friends about her self worth….

        False confidence may help create real confidence

  14. My boyfriend and me are going through a rough time and I need tips on how not to sound desperate!!!! plz help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • miss caro

      If you really need help in your relationship contact these email obadantemple@gmail.com and explain everything to her, she we help you

    • Make a life for yourself, don’t be available every second of every day!! If he wants you, he wants you, it is as simple as that. Am I right??

  15. It’s about more than not appearing desperate to get the guy or girl. Moving slow is also about protecting yourself. There are a large number of disturbed individuals out there (Narcissists, Borderlines, etc.) They like to move you into a relationship quickly so you do notice the red flags. The right person will not rush you.

    • Oh John you are so right. I’m trying to get out of a relationship now with a narcissist I eloped with (they can be so charming). Very good looking, successful, charismatic, disturbed individual.

    • Absolutely right!!!!

  16. Johnson Ndhlela

    This atticle help me a lot,becoz i always texting my girlfriend every to hours,and she always reply me one word n wonder why so i discovered tht i luk desparate

  17. Good grief if ypu need this as an adult you must be desperate. I had a few dates when first a widow and trust me I knew a scum instantly. Have had dame boyfriend for over 4 years. Who finally has come to the conclusion we have tk get married to live together. His mom was a widow and lived with a guy for 12 years before marriage upset him do much
    He does not want to do the same to my daughter or boys.

  18. I was crushed when my lover of three years left to be with another woman. I cried and sobbed every day, until it got so bad that I reached out to the Internet for help. I wasted so much time and effort trying to get her back until I hit on the real thing. And that is you, ultimate spell. You were different from all the rest – you are the diamond in the rough. Thank you from the depths of my soul! I am extremely happy now. I hope God blesses you as much as you have help me to get my Love back, visit him on (Alimanduspiritualtemple@yahoo.com) he can be a great help to you all.

  19. dr obadan

    Hello everyone i am Dr.obadan the powerful spell caster, i have cure for herpes contact me today so that you can be free email now obadantemple@gmail.com

  20. i agree with most of the points in the aritcle, however i have to point out that, no.6 giving it all away, does not necessarily mean that your emotional bond will not grow or your future sexual experience will be less intimate, i know mamy situations as well as personal experience where ‘giving it all away’ actually made us closer and love each other more, i guess what i am trying to say is that the outcome does soley depend on the type of individuals you and your partner are.

  21. The Clifton suspension Bridge is testimony of his ability to create a structure that performed a vital function poetically.

  22. Oh my Goodness! I think, I jumped to early on my relationship. I let my finacee moved in with me knowing him for two months and engagement in 6 months. This is my first -time having relationship after I lost my late husband from cancer. I feel love but I his too much jealousy.

  23. Someone courting me for more than 1 year and now He made a mistake having sex with older woman when he was drunk. He is asking for forgiveness. But I don’t trust him anymore when I think of what happened to them. I don’t know if I will give him a chance of courting me

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  26. This guy I used to like doesnt like me anymore and says i am desperate because i like a few guys, but i havent been in a relationship with anyone of them. I dont think i am desperate just becase i liked some guys that dont like me back. And my best friend is a guy and i started to like him and now we might date but i am scared that datingt this guy right after all this stuff happened would make me look even more desperate. 🙁

  27. Thanks Dr. Todd! My boyfriend is back. I ordered the ULTIMATE LOVE SPELL and it took only 5 days to work… I feel so happy. I hope to get married soon! Todd’s email: manifest spell cast @ gmail .com…

  28. Very helpful info and worth for reading.

  29. Putting on an act Think you can sweep a girl off her feet with well-executed lines and a fedora? Wrong, says Thomas. Even if you manage to pick her up initially, she won’t stick around for long if you’re putting on an act. “Pretending to be something you’re not is fear operating,” Thomas says. “It implies a defectiveness with who you are it says you’re afraid of who you are.” Thomas points out that humans have an important, intuitive ability to sense fear (survival instinct, and all that), so you’ll only be able to pull the wool over her eyes for a couple of dates, max.

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